Many-faced monster

Who am I?



In the last few weeks I have learned things about myself and my past that I wish I could forget. The irony is that sometimes I do forget and it's never good. The biggest thing I learned is that I have been dissociating off and on for years now. Missing time, memory voids, and strange encounters where I see myself in third-person - clear-headed but without control over my body.

I guess I always figured these things were just part of life ... until my first hospitalization (hopefully the last). It was back in April and I had completely lost touch with reality. I was apparently having a major manic moment. I had the sense to call a friend who immediately took me to my MD, who of course recommended hospitalization.

The more I thought back the more I remember having that "third-person" feeling, more instances of lost time that I could not fill, more discussions where someone said I did or said something and I have no recollection. These unknowns only helped increase fear response in most cases.

Oddly enough it took another effed up friend to finally diagnose me correctly. I have known him for years and he's a little off himself, so he knows it when he sees it. He gave examples that I could not even register (like I still don't remember him being at the MD with me, but they both confirmed it). An ex-boyfriend - intelligent and not effed up - confirmed it with yet more examples of lost moments and irrational actions - including a suicide attempt that I could not completely recall.

I believe my depression and anxiety over the years has been exaserbated by the underlying, undiagnosed problem: Depersonalization Disorder and Dissociative Amnesia. WikiIt While I am no Sybil, different facets of my personality come out when I am stressed.

I don't think any of them have actual names. I have one that is very fearful of crowds and tends to act like a little kid when he shows his face. If it's a good time, then he skips around and acts silly. Mostly it's a bad time though and he just wants to run and hide and cry - for anwers that never come.

Another is the protector ... like T-Rex as your gaurd dog. When things get too bad and I can't handle any more, he rears his head. For those of you not familiar with a conniption fit (sp?) Bill Cosby gives a funny explanation at Chocolate Cake for Breakfast, around the 7 minute mark. T-Rex brings it on like Donkey Kong, mega-mega-big-whopping conniption fit. Keep hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times and never, NEVER feed him.

There are others I haven't defined quite yet. They aren't so much other identities as aspects of myself designed to deal with specific situations. But defining them is the first step of dealing with them.

A journey through hell

For many years I have fought depression and anxiety. Like so many I just assumed it was part of life - another tidbit courtesy of DNA, economics, absentee father, yada yada yada. I thought that I had it under control, if there is such a thing. Sure I had moments when I got out of hand, but doesn't everyone?

I had no idea just how "out of hand" I could get.

Late last year I suffered a back injury. At first it seemed minor but as time progressed so did the pain. I went to chiropractors and massage therapists but nothing helped. I swallowed the physical pain, never realizing it was festering inside me, joining with years of suppressed emotional anguish.

The demon - a knot of blistering self-contempt and chilling loneliness - was becoming too powerful for me to contain. I fought to control it, banish it by shear force of will. But my will, as it turns out, was in collusion with my heart and could not allow the pain to continue. The shackles loosened and he burst from the dungeon deep within me.

Without warning I was throttled. My head reeled. Sights and sounds swirled into a gruesome mirage. My vision diminished to a keyhole. Nearly incoherent I managed to see my family doctor. With worried eyes she referred me to the local hospital that accepted my insurance.

That was the beginning of my journey...